A tired working mother stood in the classroom doorway, ready to
depart with her two sons. Separated in age by two years, the boys were as
different in appearance as they were in temperament, but they were great kids.
They enjoyed math and reading, laughed hard and punched hard. They loved
learning, loved life, loved each other.
Mom’s secret: “There are many ways to love a child,” she
said. “I keep it simple. I have expectations. I accept
mistakes. And I celebrate the process.”
Parenting is not consistent or predictable. Loving a child
is not always fun or easy. Establishing a few flexible, healthy habits is
a parent’s best demonstration of love.
One: Eat Together
Research has validated what most parents once
understood intuitively: Nothing is more valuable to a child’s physical,
emotional, intellectual and social health than a daily family meal. Sit
at a table, turn the television off, use utensils and napkins. It’s a
simple act with profound implications. The advantages for the life of a
child far exceed the parent’s investment of time and energy.
Two: Keep it Real Wii is a fun distraction on a cold, rainy
day. There are countless cable channels for kids, educational videos,
electronic games designed to challenge and stimulate young minds.
None of these devices compare to time spent walking, talking,
playing or reading with a parent. There is no substitute for green
fields, real sports equipment, friends, playgrounds and fresh air.
Children do not feel loved in virtual worlds. To thrive,
kids need to touch, move, feel and talk. They should experience the joys of
conversation, the disappointment of defeat, and the drama of human
relationship. A child’s fine and gross motor skills develop through the
use of her hands, her mind and her body. Her vocabulary expands through
the alternating, interactive use of her voice, her mind and her ears. She
is successful socially because she learns from her parents’ relationship how to
love in the real world.
Three: Mentors and Partners
Grandparents are
treasure-troves of memories, ideas, observations and cautions. Most
grandparents remember some effective parenting techniques and will confess
decisions they regret. Experienced teachers can offer advice that is
age-appropriate, reflecting their years working with specific populations of
young people. Parents of older children can anticipate phases and speak
with the advantages of hindsight.
Parenting decisions are rarely quick or easy. Age and
person-appropriate expectations are seldom obvious. Parenting without
help is terrifying and dangerous. A brief, thoughtful conversation can be
mind-altering, shifting a parent’s heart from despair, confusion or anxiety to
optimism and hope.
Those fortunate parents with a committed, loved partner: hold on
tight. Children learn about love through observation and
imitation. Parenting is exhausting. Find time and energy to fall in
love again.
Four: Read Together
Start young, and stick with it.
Literacy is an essential foundation to academic success. Parents who read
to and later with their children give them the best possible preparation for
school, a firm foundation for learning, a ticket to travel around the world
without leaving home.
Five: Welcome Failure
Parents who establish a friendly attitude
toward mistakes and failures raise resilient children. Loving a child who
has made a mistake, failed a test, or fallen down on the field, means standing
firmly in place while natural, appropriate consequences unfold.
A child’s confidence grows through independent experiences of
failure, perseverance and success, her understanding that her parents believe
she can handle the difficult situation she is facing. Oddly enough, the
most meaningful expressions of love for a child require parents to be silent
and still, watchful, hopeful . . . but steadfast and smiling on the sidelines.
Six: Assign Chores
A child first acquires confidence and a sense
of competence by contributing to the daily life of his family. Children
who first experience work in their home understand that work and love flow
simultaneously in happy families. A three-year old can fold napkins; a five
year old can pull the trash can to the curb; an eight year old can wash the car
weekly. Chores and responsibilities should change as children age,
increasing as the child grows in strength, knowledge and confidence.
Seven: Maintain Authority
Many years ago I
worked with a wise mother who had one preciously intelligent daughter, the only
child in a loving marriage. Among her many fine qualities, this mother
was honest, open, and absolutely committed to raising a daughter who would grow
to be as strong as she was born smart.
At a parent-teacher conference, she told me her daughter didn’t like
being told what to do. Faced with a direct instruction, she often told
her mom, “I don’t like you any more. You’re not my friend.”
Exaggerating her genteel southern accent, this fine mother said
she had a fixed response: “Darling, I didn’t give birth to you because I needed
a friend.”
Healthy children challenge authority and test boundaries,
arbitrarily and repeatedly. Most parents know this, yet feel exasperated,
shocked, surprised and appalled when their children challenge and test.
Love for a child must include repeated expressions of parental strength and
dominance, calm reminders that families are not democracies. Children
grow up feeling safe, loved and secure when they know their parents are in
charge, looking out for the best interests of the children and the family.
