Infants, toddlers and young children spend a lot of time sleeping. As William Sears says, "this is not just time when they disconnect from their caregiving world." (Sears, The Discipline Book ) During sleep, children still learn -- about themselves, their parents and caregivers, and about what happens at night. Helping our children to develop healthy sleeping rituals will aid in their ability to fall asleep and sleep soundly, and will give them habits they can carry with them throughout their lives.
When developing or evaluating your sleep ritual, it is important to remember that babies and young children sleep differently than adults. Grown-ups can go to sleep relatively easily (assuming we aren't worrying about something, or have big, exciting plans for the next day). We lay our head on the pillow, close our eyes and off we go into dreamland. Some of us read or take a hot bath to wind ourselves down.
Babies and young children go through a long phase of light sleep before they fall into a deeper sleep. (We are often so surprised how easily we wake them unintentionally, when other times they seem to sleep so soundly!) Helping children relax and settle down often challenges our patience because it takes time, longer than we would like. It is often unrealistic to expect most babies and toddlers to lie down and fall asleep when we're ready for them to sleep, without any assistance from us in the process. Babies, toddlers, and even young children need to be parented to sleep. And often they will need to be parented back to sleep during the night if they awaken.
Children's sleep habits, like much of their other behavior, is more a result of their temperament than our parenting techniques or style. Some children even from early infancy are "easy" sleepers -- they fall asleep without a fuss. Other children need a lot of help to relax into sleep and may wake often in the night. It is difficult -- if not impossible -- to "train" an easy temperament pattern of behavior onto a high need temperament child. As parents, we want to develop patterns that reflect the personality and needs of each individual, and help support them in learning how to fall asleep.
One of our critical jobs as parents is to help our children learn that sleep is a pleasant state to be in -- not something to be afraid of. Our bedtime rituals should be clear in their messages. The bed should be a safe place at all times; and therefore "going to bed" should never be used as punishment or as a threat for misbehavior. We need to be careful about mixing messages: tickling can become overwhelming for some children; "I love you some much I'll eat you up" is a confusing, contradictory message. Reading scary stories can result in nightmares. Going to sleep angry is never good for anyone. And when we give our physical love -- hugs, kisses -- it is a good idea to give them straight -- unadulterated by other conditions and games. As Montessori says "the child is sensitive and impressionable to such a degree that the adult ought to monitor everything he says and does, for everything is literally engraved in the child's mind." (Montessori, The Child in the Family )
In our house, we have a very simple routine for bedtime, which is 8:00 PM. Like many parents, we have choice built into the ritual, to support our daughter Sarah in her growing independence and in order to respect her changing needs and desires. Sarah chooses whether she wants to go to sleep in the "big bed" or her low bed; then chooses one book to read. We close the curtains, lower the lights, and turn on the "sound machine". Then we lay down together and read the book she has selected from her nighttime reading shelf. This low shelf contains books that are pre-selected by me as "suitable" for night reading. These books have repetition or counting or are about animals going to sleep. They are the tried and true classics -- books like Good Night Moon, which have helped lull numerous children to sleep. Her favorite at one year was Ten, Nine, Eight, by Molly Bang. We spent the summer on Hush Little Baby (the new version by Sylvia Long). A recent discovery is What Mommies do Best/What Daddies do Best, by Laura Numeroff and Lynn Munsinger. And she just adores Inch By Inch, The Garden Song by David Mallett (which we sing).
Usually she chooses the same book night after night for a few weeks in a row. A house rule is that she must keep her head on the pillow, while I read to her. When we finish the book, we lay quietly, breathing together, and we slowly relax together until she falls asleep. The routine usually takes about 20 minutes.
I should note however, that we have a longer sequence leading up to the bedtime ritual: at around 5:30 or 6:00 PM Sarah eats her dinner at her low table, then we clean up together. After she washes her hands, we spend a good hour or longer reading as many books as she wants from her daytime reading shelf in the Living Room, or singing songs, or drawing with crayons. Around 7:30 PM she has a bath, and brushes her teeth. After bath, she knows it is time to put on P.J.s and get ready for bed. I find the sequence works very well for us because Sarah gets a lot of time one-on-one with me in the early evening, and we're not struggling over her going to bed. I know she gets a lot of good quality reading at some point in the day. And when bedtime does come -- the reading serves as a gateway to relaxing and slowing down. Our ritual works very well for us because I can give her a lot of attention; I'm not rushing around getting dinner ready for the grown ups or other children, and it gives her plenty of time to work out extra energy and calm down as the sun sets in the sky.
A ritual helps children learn what is expected of them and helps them to feel safe because nothing is a surprise. According to Montessori, "a child needs peaceful sameness in order to construct his inner life." (Montessori, A Child in the Family ) At the Children's Center, we use many rituals throughout the day to help create a structure which defines what comes next for the children. The sequence, not the clock or the caregiver, lets the children know what follows what. This helps improve their concentration, develop independent thinking, organize their thoughts, mind and body, and, helps us move the children along to the next activity. At home, sequences are useful too. The child quickly learns that after I brush my teeth, I will take a bath, then I will have a foot rub, and then bedtime.
Predictability and routine help children gain a sense of mastery and security. By knowing what comes next, the child is able to predict what will happen and can take an active rather than passive part of her own caretaking. Current research shows that repeated experiences make physical changes in the brain and affect the physical, cognitive and emotional development. Your routines and rituals do matter for your child's developing personality.
Rituals have ground rules -- for example, no reading after 9:00 PM, no back rubs on the big bed, only one glass of water at bedtime, etc. --- and it is important to enforce your ground rules. As William Sears notes, "Establish rules but at the same time create conditions that make the rules easier to follow. Children need boundaries. They won't thrive or survive without limits; neither will their parents.... This involves setting wise limits and providing structure." (Sears, The Discipline Book)
Children will push and test limits. If you find your bedtime ritual getting longer and longer (as I did), you may need to try to find another part of the day to give your child the extra attention he is asking for -- and needs. Perhaps first thing in the morning or early evening after supper. Focused time earlier in the day or evening may satisfy the child of his need for your attention. Pay attention to the needs of your child at bedtime. It can tell you a great deal about what is going on for your child.
Montessori teaches us of the important of respecting the child. We need, therefore, to treat our children with respect and dignity at bedtime, too. We want our children to know we are there for them, and this is so critical at night. We can give them dignity at bedtime by including them in the process and respecting them as individuals. Bedtime becomes a special time: of quiet, peace and love between two people.
Many parents started a routine early infancy -- although these often evolved and changed as the child grew and their needs changed. For many, a warm bath signals the end of day. For others, it is soothing music, such as Mozart, playing in the background.
Choice also comes into play in many of the rituals, thus giving children a sense of control, and conveying respect. Some families have the children choose who puts them to bed, or the location for sleeping. For many, the choice of which book or books to read is left to the children; other children enjoy being told a story about their birth, their grandparents, their parents wedding, or a topic of interest.
Elizabeth gets a special choice on weekends, she can choose between going to bed in her own bed or Mommy and Daddy's bed.
For Eero, the bedtime ritual ends with a song, either Hush A Bye, which his mother sang to him as an infant, or Tender Shepherd, which his grandmother sang to his mother as a child.
For Eli, repetition and reminder is helpful. Eli and his mother say a Hebrew prayer and then an English prayer of thanks. Then, she reminds him that after the second time of the Hebrew prayer they will be saying good night. They say the Hebrew prayer again, and hug and kiss each other "night night."
There is no one right way to help every child go to sleep -- different experts offer different approaches -- from the family bed on one end; to the Ferber method of having the child cry it out on the other. Whatever you do, it's best to find a routine or ritual that works well foreveryone involved: one that is easy enough for you to carry out both on days where you are tired and on days when all is well; and one that treats your child with the respect and dignity she deserves. Your ritual should be one that you feel good about, one that you want your child to pass on to his child; and even, one that you can look forward to each night.
Going to sleep can be a time of quiet closeness and intimacy at the end of a hectic day. It can be a special moment of peace: a time for you and your child to snuggle in together, say a prayer, reflect on the day. It can be a time of wholeness: a time to let each other know how much you love each other and that all is okay, safe and sound.
